Something I never would have anticipated: At this age, "Do you want to have kids?" and "Do you want to get married?" are first-date questions. Well, they're MY first-date questions
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Today I sat down with a pen (WHAT'S THAT) and a piece of paper (NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING SILLY) and typed into Google:
"What to do when you're trying to get pregnant"
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I had a weird realization today: In my 25-year-long wake of exes--which has yet to include a celebrity but THERE'S STILL TIME EVERYONE LOVES A 39-YEAR-OLD GROUPIE--the detritus includes two lawyers, two cops, and two people who went to jail for punching people (not me).
WHAT DOES IT MEAN.
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Recently my father's emails have the anthropological value of reminding me, or future me, of what has been stressing me out recently.
Then, in another email, he mentions that he and my mom have made a reservation at an Italian restaurant for their 44th wedding anniversary.
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Over Memorial Day weekend I drove to a barbecue and on the way listened to Spotify's "Discover" playlist they made for me. Generally this involves me skipping through most of the fucking garbage they try to feed me, but often I save one, sometimes two, songs to my "Brand-New Faves" playlist.
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My Mom updated her website. This is the description of one of her artist books:
Read MoreWhy Me? 2003
Why Me? is about acne from an adolescent girl's perspective. Text by Jenny [last name]. 9" x11" handmade paper with embedded dried beans, inkjet text.
So. OKCupid summarizes other people's qualities (which they glean from how you answer questions) compared to your qualities at the bottom of each profile. FOR EXAMPLE: One recent afternoon, sitting in bed in torn pajamas and scratching the eczema on my legs, I found what I felt was a bad combination: Someone was more "sex-driven" AND more "conservative."
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A frequent thought these days is, why did my standards have to go up NOW? I had limited standards from 1991-2013, which meant I dated a LOT. A LOT, A LOT, A LOT.
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A frequent thought these days is, why did my standards have to go up NOW? I had limited standards from 1991-2013, which meant I dated a LOT. A LOT, A LOT, A LOT.
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On Mother's Day I Skyped with my parents.
Mom: I knew I was bad with the language when you were two, and you were in the bathroom and you couldn't get a towel to wrap the way you wanted or something. And I heard you say, "Oh, dammit!"
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Yesterday I went on a date. On the way there, I called Mom from my magic Bluetooth car phone booth.
Me (39, ostensibly an adult): I don't want to go!
Mom: Just have a good time. You're overthinking it. Just be cool.
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"This will probably nullify any chance I have with any female on here but whatever. I've been on here a month and a half and I'm still here which tells you something (WHAT DOES IT TELL ME MY LOVE).
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I have a cousin. Let's call her Agata. She's my mother's first cousin once removed, she's my parents' downstairs neighbor, she's my parents' landlord, and she's driving my mother around the bend, which is bad news for everyone.
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Over the weekend I sat next to John Avalos at a café for THREE HOURS and didn't recognize him until he stood up to leave. I voted for him for MAYOR. He is VERY ATTRACTIVE.
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Last night someone from OKCupid who says he's AN FBI AGENT ARE YOU KIDDING YES I WANT TO TALK TO YOU texted me. But I texted back that I couldn't talk because I was "in the middle of a writing project."
OH, OK.
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First, if your name is Draper, don't put it in your profile name. If you want to make a reference to Don Draper from Mad Men, also don't put it in your profile name. Because then the word "raper" is in your profile name. I don't make the rules.
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Mom and Dad discussed my blog. Mom said they decided for revenge they're going to backpack across Italy and talk about where, when, and how 74-year-olds have sex. (I think this idea is AMAZING.)
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Three hours ago, Mom and Dad picked me up at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago, Illinois. On our way into Evanston, I sat in the backseat of their two-door Ford Focus and furiously typed everything they said into my phone.
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There's only one thing better than being single and childless at 39: having your novel rejected by one of the biggest agents in New York (AGAIN. AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN).
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Oh, the exchange of stuff! When I got divorced, I had to make a list of everything we owned and file it with San Francisco Superior Court.
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